


A Thousand Miles

by thealphagate_archivist



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-23
Updated: 2006-03-23
Packaged: 2019-02-02 15:28:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12729258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist
Summary: Jack realizes too late that his feelings for Daniel are more than just friendship. When he gets a second chance to act on that love, he passes it up until their mis-remembered past brings Daniel to seek comfort in his arms.





	A Thousand Miles

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Warnings: Bad language (Jack's mouth again). Character death (canon: Daniel's death/ascension/descent) and Temporary character death (time loop). Graphic m/m sex.  


* * *

**Jack lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was one of those silent winter nights when the whole universe was hushed, not a creature stirring anywhere. The quiet was deafening and as he lay contemplating in the wee hours, thinking about how he had come to this place in time.

The fortune cookie was what started it. He'd ordered Chinese take-out after returning from their latest mission and at the end of his meal he cracked open that rice flour confection just to read the slip of paper baked inside. For nearly ten minutes he'd stared at it, then wadded the paper up and thrown it in the trash.

"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

He'd been thinking about Daniel, about what had happened to him this time and how close they'd come yet again to losing him.

That innocent little slip of paper brought the past into sharp focus, images reeling through Jack's mind, pushing at him until he had no choice but to pay attention.

The journey began with the sarcophagus and Daniel's addiction. That was when Jack had taken the first step. And Daniel had been right there with him.**

* * *

Moments earlier, Daniel had been pointing Jack's gun at his C.O., those blue eyes wild, his sweaty face pulled into a grimace of agony as Daniel struggled with himself for control. He broke down in tears, his soul fractured from the addiction he struggled to resist. Instantly, Jack was beside him, holding him close, assuring him that everything would be all right. He knew, because he had been there himself. He had been content just to sit there in that splash of light spilling into the darkened room, holding the younger man in his arms.

It had taken a few more minutes for Daniel to summon the strength to get to his feet, leaning heavily on Jack as they made their way back to the infirmary. Dr. Fraiser strapped him down to the bed for another day before releasing him. He was not, however, free to return home right away.

"I'm remanding you to the base, Dr. Jackson," she said sternly, signing off his release papers. "I've made arrangements with General Hammond for you to stay in one of the VIP suites for an extended period. You're well enough to be discharged from the infirmary but still a little too shaky to be on your own just yet," She smiled up at Jack and gave him a wink. "I think I know where to find somebody to look after you till you're strong enough to handle that on your own."

Daniel just nodded wearily and said nothing.

"Just as a safety precaution, colonel," Janet added seriously, "I'd like you to confiscate his access cards and ID badges so he can't wander about the base willy-nilly. We shouldn't need any SFs on his six but I'd just like to make sure he's got help handy wherever he goes."

Jack gave her a mock bow. "We'll be attached at the hip, per doctor's orders." Turning to the archaeologist, he clapped his friend on the shoulder. "First thing, Daniel is for you to have a bath. You're a little ripe after being strapped to that bed for three days."

"The nurses gave me sponge baths," Daniel told him, the declaration followed by a slight, embarrassed smile.

Jack's eyebrows lifted. "And I'm sure you all enjoyed it but trust me, you need a real bath. Then dinner in the commissary, followed by a good night's sleep."

"Sounds like a good idea," Dr. Fraiser told Daniel cheerfully, "but you shouldn't be alone, even in the shower. In fact, maybe the colonel could scrub your back for you." She winked again and smiled as she scribbled on a piece of paper. "This is a prescription for sleeping pills, which I think you'll probably need for a day or two. If you'll give this to Nurse Chambers, she'll fix you right up."

"Yes, ma'am," Daniel murmured, taking the slip of paper and walking away, head down, barely able to keep his feet.

Jack gave her a lazy salute, pivoted on his heel and grabbed Daniel's right hand, pulling his arm up and over Jack's shoulders to help support him and keep him steady as they made their way to the elevator.

Once in the VIP suite, Jack took possession of Daniel's access cards and ID, stuffing them in one of his trouser pockets. The archaeologist took a seat on the bed and Jack went into the tiny bathroom, turning on the water to set the temperature and undressing down to his boxers. He poked his head out the door to see Daniel stretched out on the bed, eyes closed.

"Up and at �0‚7em, Daniel," he called. "Get naked and get in here. You need any help with your clothes?"

Daniel sighed and didn't move. "I think- I might. I'm pretty wiped. That fistfight took a lot out of me and I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of it."

"I know." Jack came to the bed and bent over the supine man, unfastening his trousers. Pulling on one wrist, he brought Daniel upright again and whisked his T-shirt off over his head. Rather than let the man lie down again, he drew Daniel to his feet, squatted and yanked his pants and boxers off. Unfortunately, he got a good whiff of B.O. on his way back to his feet.

"Whoa! That's just too-"

"Jack," Daniel whined. "I know I stink and I hate it. Please don't rub it in."

O'Neill held his breath and put his arm around Daniel's waist, towing him into the bathroom and guiding him under the stream of water. Jack stepped out of his shorts and got into the narrow stall behind the other man, closing the door after them. "Sorry it's such close quarters but I don't think you'd make it to the showers in the locker room. Nothin' personal if we, you know, bump or somethin'."

"No offense taken, Jack. You could have your way with me right now and not get a fight. I'm too tired to care." Daniel put his face into the water and leaned on his palms against the tiled wall, making no effort to wash himself.

Jack grabbed the little bottle of generic shampoo, poured some into his hand and pulled Daniel's head out of the spray just far enough to get to his hair. The colonel rubbed the solution into those greasy, sweaty strands and rubbed until he had it worked up into a nice lather, then scrubbed at Daniel's scalp with his fingertips.

"That feels goooood," Daniel purred softly.

"Keep talkin' like that, and you'll be doin' your own hair," Jack snapped. "I'm not seducing you, just makin' you socially acceptable."

Daniel whispered a chuckle. "Still feels good, Jack. In a completely normal, not whacked-out-by-sensory-overindulgence-via-sarcophagus-addiction kind of way."

Jack stayed quiet, finishing up on the shampoo and pushing Daniel under the spray to rinse. He came out spluttering and leaned on the wall again.

"Better hurry," Daniel admonished breathlessly. "I don't think I'll have the strength to stand for much longer."

Jack unwrapped the soap and tossed the paper over the top of the glass door. Rubbing the little bar over Daniel's back, arms and sides, he washed as quickly as he could, then turned the man around and put the soap into his hand. "You get to wash your front. I'll wait till you're done, in case you can't finish."

"My head is spinning, Jack," Daniel told him. "I don't think I'm gonna make it."

Biting back a growl of frustration, Jack took the soap back and lathered up a washcloth, rubbing it briskly all over the archaeologist's torso and legs. "Spread 'em," he ordered harshly and scrubbed Daniel's privates - not as thoroughly as he washed himself, just enough to get the job done. "That'll have to do, Daniel."

"It's fine," he panted, leaning heavily against the wall as the water sluiced off the soap. First step outside the stall, Daniel's knees gave and Jack helped him sit down on the nearby toilet. "God, I'm such a mess. I'm sorry, Jack."

Handing him a towel, Jack let Daniel sit while he dried himself off. As he stepped back into his boxers, he saw that the younger man was making an effort to pull the towel over his shoulders. Jack took it from him and ruffled it over the mass of long, wet hair, then stroked it roughly over Daniel's face, shoulders, chest and back.

"Stay right there. I'll go to the locker room and bring you some clean clothes," Jack ordered, draping the towel over Daniel's lap. He was in the same position when Jack returned, hunched over, elbows on his knees and face in his hands. It took both of them to get Daniel dressed again and once that was accomplished Jack helped his friend totter over to the bed, pressing Daniel's hairbrush into his hand.

"Maybe I'll just turn in," Daniel suggested. "I feel like I'm a hundred years old."

"You need to eat. You've had an IV plugged into you and been drugged out of your mind for three days. Doctor's orders."

"There's no way I can walk that far."

"I'll sign out a wheelchair. Stay put till I get back."

"Like I have a choice?" Daniel griped. "I'll just go run a marathon while you're gone."

Jack bent over and looked his friend in the eye, cracking a grin. "Now that's the snarky-ologist we all know and love. Keep �0‚7em coming." He patted the man on the shoulder and left in search of wheels.

Fifteen minutes later, Daniel sat at a commissary table staring at a bowl of chicken noodle soup as if it might eat him instead of the other way around. "I'm thinking this is not such a good idea, Jack. My stomach's revolting."

"So was the rest of you before that shower. Eat up."

With a heavy sigh, Daniel picked up his spoon and dutifully began to shovel the liquid into his mouth, avoiding the wide, flat noodles and tiny bits of chicken and vegetables. Halfway through the bowl his eyelids began to grow heavy and his head wobbled on his neck. "Falling asleep, here," he reported to the colonel, waving one finger in the air like a flag of surrender.

Jack rose from his seat, pulled the wheelchair out from underneath the table and set his own tray of food into Daniel's lap. "I'll finish that in your room," he explained. "Let me dispose of your stuff and we'll be on our way to beddie-bye."

"I'm not a child, Jack," Daniel groused dispiritedly.

Patting the man on the shoulder as he moved back behind the chair, Jack said softly, "I know, but I am!"

Back in the room, Jack put his unfinished meal on a small desk and turned down the double bed, helping Daniel into it. As soon as the younger man was settled beneath the covers, he was fast asleep, without the prescribed sleeping pills and Jack was pretty sure he'd be out for the rest of the night. Returning to the desk, he finished off his meal and brushed his teeth, then stripped down to his boxers to get ready for bed himself. It had been a very trying day and he was tired.

Just as he flipped back the covers on the other side of the bed, Daniel moaned.

"Oh, God, Jack- I knew dinner was a bad idea." He rolled slowly toward the side of the bed and tried to sit up. "Not gonna make it -"

Jack instinctively grabbed the waste bin and darted around the bed, holding it under Daniel's chin just as his last meal came back up. With one hand on Daniel's back, Jack waited patiently until the ordeal was over, stroking gently, murmuring softly as he had with Charlie when his son had been sick and vomiting. When it was over, he retreated to the bathroom and dampened a second washcloth, bringing it back to press against Daniel's forehead and cheeks, gently wiping his face as he recovered.

Daniel lay back against the pillow and Jack sat on the edge of the bed, stroking the cloth over his teammate's pale face, leaving it folded across his forehead. Jack got up, rinsed out the waste bin and brought it back into the bedroom, putting it in handy reach for Daniel at the side of the bed. Then he poured a little mouthwash into one of the little Dixie cups that came with the suite and took it to his friend.

"Rinse and spit," he ordered.

Daniel obeyed without protest. "Thanks, Jack." He lay back in the bed with another sigh.

"Any time, Daniel." Jack turned out the lights and headed for the bed. It took him a moment to realize there was still light in the room, albeit dim, and sat up to locate the source. Since the VIP quarters were located well underground, there would be no natural light filtering in through a window, so to help visitors find their way around during the night, small phosphorescent panels had been installed near doorways, almost at floor level. The devices didn't put out enough illumination to keep anyone awake but provided a soft glow similar to blue-green moonlight.

Jack approved. If Daniel needed anything in the middle of the night, he wouldn't have to struggle in total darkness to find what he needed. With a glance at his bed partner, he turned his back to the man and let his body relax.

The bed was small for two men their size; Jack could feel Daniel close at his back.

" Night, Jack. And thank you."

" 'Night, Daniel. Wake me if you need anything."

For a long time, Jack lay awake, listening to the other man's breathing. Daniel's sleep was troubled and he tossed and turned in the bed. Eventually, Jack's own weariness won out and he slept but when he wakened in the morning, it was still dark in the room and it took a couple of seconds to get his bearings.

Then he realized the tickle under his chin was hair, Daniel's hair. The archaeologist was curled up against Jack's chest. Daniel's hands were loosely tucked beneath his chin, as if he were hugging himself but the most surprising thing was that Jack had one arm beneath Daniel's head and the other draped over the younger man's waist, holding him close. And Jack's upper leg lay possessively across Daniel's thigh.

Jack didn't move. He listened to Daniel's breathing, realizing the man was still asleep. Any sudden movement might wake him and they'd both be embarrassed to death. Worse still was that, in concert with the usual morning rise in testosterone levels, Jack was getting a hard-on.

He willed that away, desperately needing to make a trip to the bathroom but that was going to take some time. Slowly, imperceptibly, Jack lifted his leg and moved it beneath the covers until it was off the other man and started to move his upper arm. The lower one would be a problem because not only was it pinned under Daniel's head, but the limb had also gone completely numb. Jack eased backward slightly on his pillow so he could see Daniel's face.

Jackson twitched and sighed, and Jack froze. "Sh're," the sleeper whispered and tilted his face upward. One arm snaked out and slid over Jack's ribs, pulling him closer and then Daniel's lips touched Jack's in a tender kiss.

Instantly Daniel's eyes flew open and he jerked backward, obviously horrified.

"You were dreaming about Sha're," Jack told him, "and I obviously wasn't fast enough to get out of range."

"Did I just-"

"Kiss me? I'll never tell." Jack scootched backward on the mattress, dragging his right arm with him. "You wanna get off me? My arm's asleep."

Daniel jerked his head up and propped up on one elbow, his eyes widened with shock. When Jack had repossessed his errant limb, Daniel collapsed on the pillow again and covered his face with both hands. "Sorry about that. You know I'd never- I mean, I'm married."

"I know." Jack sat up and started massaging his arm, tingling needles of sensation lighting it up as the blood flow resumed to nourish starved nerves. "Neither would I."

"I know. God, Jack, I never meant-"

"Of course not. You're not-"

"No. No, I'm not."

"And neither am I. Just so we're clear."

**That had been the first step on the journey. It hadn't really bothered Jack that Daniel kissed him in his sleep. It had brought a moment of tender warmth, a reminder that Daniel was in love with a wonderful woman who would one day reclaim him. Both men understood it had been only an accident and it was brushed off without the slightest bit of guilt or discomfort and then it had been forgotten, never crossing Jack's mind for a long time.

Until Daniel was infected by Machello's little de-Gou'alding bug.**

Jack walked down the white corridor with Dr. MacKenzie, his insides churning. Losing Daniel like this was eating him up inside, because there was nothing for him to fight, no way to save the man from his own mind and now that Teal'c was sick, too, Jack felt immeasurably helpless.

"-just like last time," MacKenzie was saying. "Keep your distance. Remain calm. No quick movements and if he becomes agitated -"

"I know," Jack rasped. "Call the guys in the white coats. I remember."

He watched the doctor unlock the door to Daniel's cell, saw the man pacing the padded white room through the glass, wobbly on his feet from the medication, trying to keep his balance with one hand on the wall. The sight tore Jack up and he glared at MacKenzie as the door swung open to allow him inside.

"Is Teal'c sick?" Daniel demanded, not even looking up at him, just continuing to pace the spongy floor.

"Yes, Daniel. He's very ill. Junior's dying."

Daniel stopped walking and turned to face his visitor. "Then I'm right. There's something in him, Jack. It's killing his symbiote. You've got to get me out of here." He stumbled then, his back crashing against the wall. He slid downward, landing on his butt and then he started to cry. "Please, Jack. Please get me out of here. I'm not sick anymore. These drugs they've got me on- I can't think. I have to think. I have to help Teal'c."

"Screw MacKenzie," Jack growled. He strode across the room and sat down beside his friend, long legs stretched out in front of him. He put his arms around Daniel and held him close, stroking his newly short hair. "It's okay, Daniel. I'm here," O'Neill said softly.

"We've gotta help Teal'c," Daniel sniffled, clutching him in return, "but I can't- my mind is so- it's just mush. Jumbled mush. I can't keep focused. It's the drugs, Jack. There's nothing wrong with me now."

"I won't let 'em give you any more," Jack promised. "We'll get you clear and then we'll go see Teal'c. We'll find a way, Daniel. I'll help you."

Daniel started sobbing then, his hands gripping the BDU jacket tightly. For a long time, Jack just held him, kissing the top of the younger man's head, his hands stroking over Daniel's shoulders and back, murmuring soft words of comfort. In time, Daniel's sobs quieted and he fell asleep, his arms wrapped around Jack's waist, face buried against Jack's chest.

O'Neill closed his eyes and savored the warmth, enjoying the closeness. He waited for Daniel to rouse, for the drugs to lose their hold on him and letting his mind drift, Jack remembered how dear to him this man was and all they'd been through together.

He remembered that night in the VIP quarters and the other nights that followed. Every time they went to bed, they'd start out back to back and every morning when they awakened, Daniel would be wrapped around him or he around the other man, cuddled up together as close as lovers.

Jack remembered that kiss; warm on his lips and how loved it made him feel. That it was meant for Daniel's wife made it no less precious. Daniel trusted him, more than he trusted anyone else and the fact that they could brush off what happened without embarrassment was testament to how deeply they felt for each other.

Just as the embrace they now shared. Beneath Jack's hands he could feel the thick plates of muscle, relaxed in sleep. Daniel was a big, strong man, built for power but the way he wore his clothes so loose and baggy, the way he shrank into his seat or against the wall when people really looked at him, gave the impression that he was frail or fragile. The way he acted made people see him differently than what was actually there.

Jack knew, though. He'd been a victim of that camouflage as well, seeing Daniel as someone who needed looking after because he couldn't take care of himself, because he was small and delicate. Until they'd had that battle in the storage room when Daniel escaped the infirmary. Jack tasted some of that unleashed strength and Daniel all but wiped the floor with him. Had the colonel not been Special Ops trained, he wouldn't have stood a chance. He'd lost his pistol in the fight anyway, because his opponent was way smarter than he was and an unleashed beast as well. Daniel's love for Jack was the only thing that kept O'Neill from getting killed.

Daniel was a forceful man whose greatest strength was gentleness and in that moment, as Jack held him in his arms, he realized that he loved this man, more than he'd ever loved anyone who served with him. He made a vow to protect and to support Daniel Jackson, promising never to leave him alone again.

When his back started to cramp, Jack petted Daniel awake. He seemed better, clearer-headed and that was good enough for the colonel. He took charge of Daniel from MacKenzie and took his friend back to the base.

**That night, Jack's house felt far too empty and he'd ended up going to Daniel's apartment and sleeping on the couch. He knew the other man wouldn't have refused him the bed but he didn't want to ask. After all, Daniel was still married, still hopeful that he'd find Sha're.

Then they had found her and suddenly she was gone. Daniel was distant after that and Jack had done his best to build up a wall in his soul, to put some distance between himself and the other man, so they could go on as friends and function as a unit but when Daniel met Ke'ra, Jack had seen the sparks fly, witnessed the flirting and been mad as hell about it.

Daniel had just buried his wife, for cryin' out loud, and now he was jumping into the sack with the first pretty smile that flashed his way? Jack tried to stop it, too caught up in the storm in his soul to see the real reason he was protesting and of course, those internal alarms were on cue, as always. Ke'ra was an old enemy and when that truth came to light, Daniel's heart was broken all over again.

When that was over, Jack went fishing. Just a quick weekend trip, all by himself, to do some thinking. While the red and white float bobbed up and down in the water, Jack finally realized why he'd been so upset with Daniel's obvious flirtations with the woman.

He was jealous of her.

That one thought brought up the past in a whole other light.

That kiss. Jack hadn't been upset by it because he enjoyed it. The way he clung to Daniel as they slept- that was because he enjoyed holding him, wanted him close, and that time in the mental institution when his hands had stroked Daniel's body- the reasons were as much selfish as for Daniel's comfort. He wanted to touch that body, to hold Daniel and kiss him.

He wanted to make love to Daniel Jackson.

Colonel Jack O'Neill couldn't do that, couldn't have those kinds of thoughts. So he buried them so deep not even Urgo knew they were there. The anger Jack spewed at Daniel during that undercover assignment had been real enough, though all the rest of it was a lie. Part of Jack was trying to push the archaeologist away and Daniel bought it.

That told Jack plenty. Even after they made up when the assignment was finished and the truth made known, Daniel kept him at arm's length. Jack accepted that. It was for the best.

However, when they'd gotten stuck in that time loop and Daniel made the suggestion that he could do anything he wanted without repercussions-**

Jack listened to Daniel's half question, dropped his spoon into his Froot Loops and stood up. "You want an answer? Come with me." He left the commissary and headed straight for the elevator with Daniel and Carter in tow. When Jack heard them talking, he turned back to them and said, "Sorry, Carter. You're taking this conversation off. Daniel, we're going to your office."

Moments later, the two men stood in the quiet room, lights low, door closed, staring into each other's eyes.

"So," Daniel prodded. "What do you think?"

"I think I want to kiss you, Daniel," Jack said brusquely. And he did.

Daniel's hands came up and pushed him off instantly. "What the hell- Jack, are you all right?" He looked insulted and a little scared. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

Jack decided on a subtler approach. "Okay, let's sit down and talk about this." Daniel took the chair at his desk, motioning for Jack to grab one from the workstation. Jack rolled his chair up to Daniel and looked straight into those blue eyes. "How do you feel about me, Daniel?"

For a moment, the other man was speechless. "Well, I- You know I care about you. Always have."

"You care about everybody," Jack shot back. "I know I'm special to you." His eyebrows lifted and he glanced away briefly. "I don't know why, since I'm such an asshole most of the time - especially to you - but I know you feel differently about me than just about anybody else. We're close." He looked back at the confused face. "Hell, we finish each other's sentences most of the time. Like an old married couple."

"I know. That's scary, sometimes, that we think so much alike and are such polar opposites." Daniel swallowed hard but his voice softened. "Jack, what's this about? Why did you kiss me?"

"Because I'm in love with you," Jack answered honestly. "I want to know how you feel about me." He could ask this now, because Daniel wouldn't remember next loop. Jack was free to say or do anything he wanted.

Daniel didn't move. Emotions flashed over his face: shock, realization, embarrassment, resignation and revulsion. "I don't want to be your lover, Jack. I'm not- I like women."

Hanging his head with a sigh, Jack felt his heart crumble into dust. "That's kinda what I thought." He looked up again. "You won't remember any of this next time loop, so I have to ask. Just this once, will you let me touch you and kiss you?"

Daniel sat up straight, his feet pushing his chair farther away from Jack's. "What time loop?"

As patiently as he could, Jack explained. "You won't have to deal with any emotional repercussions, Daniel. I'll even quit the SGC if you want, right now, today. Give Hammond my resignation and everything, if you'll just say yes. I'm not asking you to have sex with me. Just let me hold you and kiss you. Just this once and never again."

Jack felt his heart breaking. It had taken every ounce of his courage to ask and now he was defenseless; the look in Daniel's eyes was answer enough. The man was afraid of him, pushing back in his chair as far away as he could get.

"No, Jack. I just don't feel that way about you. I'm sorry. I can't."

Unable to speak, Jack had risen from his seat, walked out into the corridor and closed the door after himself. Then he'd gone directly to the armory, checked out a pistol, loaded it and blown his brains out to stop the unbearable agony.

Next loop, he bolted from the commissary and bounced off Teal'c's chest in the doorway.

"We must talk, O'Neill," the Jaffa intoned gravely.

"No," Jack shot back, easing past the big man and rushing for the nearest escape hatch. Riding an elevator to the surface would be too long standing in one spot, doing absolutely nothing, possibly encountering others he really didn't want to see, and Jack couldn't take that at the moment. He needed to move; he needed air; he needed out of that damned loop.

Teal'c followed him and when the colonel climbed out into the cool, fresh morning air he just sucked in deep breaths of the stuff, trying to compose himself. The pain was too raw, too deep. He needed-

Jack closed his eyes. He hunkered down on the ground and wrapped his arms around his knees, dropped his head and began to rock. He needed Daniel and couldn't have him. He concentrated on breathing, inhale and exhale, letting all the anguish flow away.

"O'Neill."

The colonel didn't answer. He just kept rocking and breathing.

"What happened?" Teal'c asked him, laying one hand gently on his shoulder.

Jack shook his head. Teal'c would remember whatever he said to him. Teal'c would know- A groan escaped O'Neill. The Jaffa's question resulted from what he remembered from the previous loop. He was aware of what Jack had done in the armory. He probably even saw the body and then had to spend the rest of the loop alone with his grief- and with the other members of SG-1.

"You left no note," the big man continued gently. "We did not understand why you would take your own life, my friend." He paused. "There was an investigation. When word reached DanielJackson, he rushed to the armory. Dr. Fraiser tried to hold him back but when he saw your body-" Teal'c shook his head. "His mind could not accept that you had killed yourself. He ceased to speak, to move on his own. Dr. Fraiser called the condition catatonic shock." He squeezed the colonel's shoulder. "O'Neill, was there something- more?"

Jack shook his head again. "I couldn't bear-" His insides were cracking. He started to shake.

He could imagine Daniel in his mind's eye, standing in the crowd at the armory doorway. Daniel would have blamed himself for Jack's death in that short space of time before the loop rewound. It was an act of mercy after all, being trapped in that loop. The knowledge of what Daniel suffered brought fresh agony to the colonel's soul, threatening to tear him apart.

Teal'c's arm eased around his shoulders. "Do not despair. We will find the solution to ending the time loop, I promise you," he offered warmly. "Perhaps you might take the time to do something enjoyable to relieve the stress."

Obviously, Teal'c thought it was the frustration of the recurring day that sent him over the edge. The Jaffa had seen Jack growling and doodling with condiments in the commissary, watched him grow more and more irritated at being trapped in the endless day to the point where he had begun to question his own sanity. Jack decided to let him keep thinking that was the problem- which contributed to his suffering but wasn't the most important factor in his recent uncharacteristic behavior. He inhaled deeply and relaxed. In time, perhaps he could forget what had passed between himself and Daniel, especially if he worked hard to take his mind off that disaster.

**He took up pottery for starters, spending a lot of time working that wheel. It was calming and peaceful and eventually a sense of manic fun set in. Golf in the gate room followed and then Jack went in a totally different direction, handing in his resignation and kissing Carter under Hammond's nose just for the hell of it. Daniel would never know Jack's true feelings, and neither would anyone else.

They'd come close to the surface when Daniel had been on the balcony of his apartment and Jack talked him down. The rage Jack showered over Daniel in the gate room as the archaeologist sat beside the dead android, Reese- that had simply been a reaction to the danger, fuelled by Jack's passion for the man who was so reckless with his own safety, who believed he could help everybody if given a chance.

That was what killed Daniel in the end. Jack watched him die, watched him ascend and even in those few moments of shared consciousness while Jacob worked to save the archaeologist, Jack still managed to keep the depth of his feelings hidden. Daniel never knew how much he was loved.

The last few years they had together, Jack had heaped little but anger on Daniel's head. It was a self-defense mechanism, trying to hold his broken heart together in the only way he knew how - by pushing the one he loved most away. That was why Daniel left him in the end. Daniel believed Jack didn't want him around.

Even in death, however, Daniel couldn't leave him alone. O'Neill had awakened in Baal's sarcophagus over and over, only to be thrown into that cell where Jackson's ghost would come to haunt him. Time and again, Jack would rail at him and make demands. Even in death, Jack sought to push that beautiful, comforting spirit away.

When they arrived on Abydos at Daniel's behest, nothing had changed. Daniel seemed darker, somehow, less hopeful but Jack hadn't seen it and when Carter told Hammond that she thought Daniel was gone for good after the mission was over- Jack's heart had shattered all over again. She was right, of course. Daniel would have sacrificed himself for Abydos. Since the people were gone, he'd given the last of himself and lost.

When Jack got home that night, he'd shut himself off completely. He watched television, locating a hockey game that would go perfectly with his beer. Only the brew was flat, the game unexciting and he'd turned it off in the second period. Nothing mattered anymore. He walked through his life in a daze, attending the odd funeral here and there for SGC personnel they lost without a glimmer of sorrow, making expected jokes that he no longer found funny, watching over his team as duty demanded and bringing them home safely at the end of each mission.

He felt nothing at all for anyone. Even his own life didn't matter anymore, as long as he got the job done and his people home and Jack thought that was the best way to finish the rest of his sorry life.

His journey of a thousand miles wouldn't be over till they buried him but at least now he knew that he'd be walking the path alone.

* * *

Part II

"Good things come to those who wait."

Jack decided he was going to have to stop eating Chinese, or at least, reading the fortunes in the damned cookies. He had put the slip of paper into his jacket pocket and taken it home for some reason, placing it on the mantle and contemplating it for a long time afterward. Daniel was home again, descended and back where he belonged, despite the dull welcome he'd gotten from his former C.O. Carter was the one who had convinced him to return, because she was still in touch with her emotions. That was what tipped the scales in SG-1's favor; Daniel needed that emotional connection that Jack could no longer provide.

O'Neill remembered the way Daniel had brushed off Carter's hand, keeping her from touching him. That was a sign that the colonel recognized and that was how he intended to play it. Hands off. Don't touch. He could do that.

Jack thought about that moment in the locker room, suiting up for their first mission together again, when Daniel had seen the photo of Charlie on the locker door. Both of them had been casual about it, as Daniel latched onto a memory of their first mission to Abydos. Jack had been about to leave and Daniel added, "I remember enough."

There had been such weight to that admission that, for a moment, Jack was concerned. Then his armor slid smoothly back into place as they'd gone to hunt Anubis. Jack had no problem letting Daniel loose on board that ship. If the newly descended-being got killed, it would be tough luck. There would be another funeral to attend and this time Daniel would get a headstone and a grave... providing they brought home a body.

Everybody died eventually and though Daniel had an astounding record of beating the odds, someday he'd buy the farm. Jack was prepared for that. It wouldn't warrant tears or sorrow, because he was past all that.

Nothing could touch him anymore, and there was nothing to wait for but the end. He felt like he was sleepwalking through his life, unable to touch anyone. He was cold and dead inside, even worse than he'd been on Abydos the first time.

Then they'd stepped aboard that alien ship with all the frozen passengers and Daniel brought some of them home in his head. When Jack regained consciousness in the infirmary, he'd asked about his team. It took a couple of tries before he figured out they weren't answering about Daniel and then Dr. Fraiser gave him the news.

As soon as he'd been able, he'd gone to the observation room to take a look for himself.

Daniel's body was there, all right, walking around and talking but it wasn't him doing any of that. He'd watched for hours, met with Janet and heard her tell them what to expect. They were losing Daniel and all they could do was watch helplessly. Jack couldn't even go into the room, couldn't touch him, couldn't tell Daniel that they were trying everything in their power to help him, because Daniel was in a coma somewhere inside the mess those aliens made of his mind.

He listened to the little boy, Keenin and suddenly he was back on his front porch with Charlie in his arms, telling his son that his grandmother had died, helping the child with his grief. Something tore loose inside Jack's soul, hot and fierce and spilled out through the tear, filling him up with rage and pain... and love. He heard the arrogant sovereign giving orders and stormed out of the observation room, ready to take out the SFs on guard if they didn't let him in.

They saw the murder in his eyes and kept out of his way. He confronted the king and threatened him, knowing there was no way he could carry through with his promise but needing to make it anyway. He'd fight for Daniel or die trying. If those folks needed a place to be, they could have him instead, even if it drove him crazy. He'd been a breath away from making the offer to Fraiser when Carter came up with her plan to save the survivors of that ship.

The ship's officer made a noble sacrifice to save Daniel in exchange for the help they'd given his people and Daniel was saved. Aside from the headache and a feeling of displacement, he seemed none the worse for his experience. Daniel even wanted to watch the recordings, so he could get to know the people who had inhabited his mind briefly. Then he'd seen the boy and grown very quiet.**

Jack sat at the briefing table beside him, doodling on his notepad as he often did. Today he was drawing fish and thinking of taking his next break at the cabin. Alone.

Daniel watched the rest of the recording, asked Dr. Fraiser some pertinent questions, and thanked her for her help. He'd answered her questions about how he was feeling, then turned to General Hammond, who expressed his thanks that the situation was positively resolved and they had Dr. Jackson back again. After that, the meeting was dismissed.

The colonel stayed where he was, drawing more fish. For a long time he didn't even realize Daniel was still at his elbow. Not until he spoke.

"Where were you while Janet was interviewing Keenin?"

"Observation booth," Jack answered flatly.

"You were watching?" Daniel looked horrified.

"Yes." Jack drew a short piece of line from the fish's mouth off the page. He was pulling that sucker in, even if it was just on paper.

Daniel's hand lay across Jack's wrist. "I'm sorry. I know how that must have hurt you to watch. I know how you feel about children."

Something white-hot lanced through Jack's soul. He slapped the leather cover shut on his notepad, stuck the pen in his jacket pocket without popping the tip back into the barrel and rose from his chair. Without looking at the other man, he stomped toward the stairs and headed for the locker room. It was time to go home and he was wrung out, exhausted. The comfortable deadness inside was shifting, waking up, and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let Daniel back into his heart.

He hurried to the elevator, ignoring Daniel's pleas to hold the car for him. The doors shut in his face and Jack felt himself sag a little with relief. If luck was with him, he could make a clean getaway. It was raining by the time he made it outside and he ran to his truck and slammed the door, starting the engine with an impatient roar and speeding all the way home as if the Devil was on his heels.

He was panting as he locked his front door behind him and stripping off his wet clothes, walked toward the downstairs bathroom, trying to calm himself. "Chicken shit," he growled to himself. He should've stayed and talked to Daniel. Hell, the guy didn't even own a car anymore, so he was going to have to wait till Jack returned to next day to say his piece. That would be better, because he'd have his guard up by then. He'd be the machine again.

Jack stepped out of the bathroom, his damp hair sticking up all over from a vigorous rubbing, towel tucked around his waist.

Daniel Jackson was standing right outside the bathroom door, dripping wet, glasses beaded up with rain. "You ran away from me," he said softly. "I was trying to apologize for hurting you, Jack. I'd like to talk about this. Please."

"No." Jack stepped back into the bathroom and shut the door. His insides were tightening up. He couldn't deal with this. Not now. "Go away, Daniel. We can talk tomorrow." He couldn't look into those eyes right now, or he'd break. He knew it.

He started to pace the tiny floor.

Footsteps sounded, moving away.

Jack heaved a sigh of relief as he heard the front door open and close a few moments later. His hand was trembling as he opened the bathroom door after a few more minutes, waiting a little longer just to be sure Daniel was really gone. There was a puddle where the man had stood in the hallway outside the bathroom, and a wet trail to the front door.

O'Neill went into the kitchen for a beer and thought about dinner, sorting through his leftovers for something still fresh enough to eat. He tossed several cartons that had worn out their welcome and set his palate for some frozen fish he could quick thaw in the microwave and grill later. He headed up the stairs to his bedroom for a T-shirt and some sweats that he could wear to bed later.

He took off the towel and hung it on the doorknob, intending to put it in the bathroom later. Striding across his bedroom naked, he heard a noise behind him and turned to see Daniel stepping out of his bathroom also wrapped in a towel, sans glasses, his damp clothes folded on the counter. Jack couldn't move.

The memory of Daniel naked in the shower surfaced instantly.

**"You could have your way with me and I wouldn't fight you," he had said.**

Years later, Jack had kissed him and been rejected; his heart ripped open. He turned away and headed for the chest of drawers. "I told you to go back to the base," he reminded his unwanted guest.

"I don't have a car," Daniel shot back. "Sam dropped me off and I told her not to answer if you called to have her come back and pick me up. If you want me back there, you'll have to drive me or call a cab and wait for it to arrive. Either way, we'll have time to talk and we need to."

"No, we don't." Jack rifled through his sweat pants and picked a pair, stepping into them swiftly. He walked past Daniel. Tried to, anyway.

Daniel's hand snared his bicep and hauled him around to look in his eyes.

An angry command was on Jack's lips but Daniel spoke first, his voice soft as a feather, heavy with grief.

"I **need** you, Jack. This last mission- it was hard for me, too."

"We'll get over it. We always do. Comes with the job." Jack stiffened, pulling away slightly.

Disbelief flared in Daniel's eyes. "I thought we meant something to each other. I don't remember everything, but I know we- we were close. I thought I could come to you with things like this."

All resistance vanished from Jack's heart. "You know you can, Daniel." The younger man was correct in his assumptions and Jack had no right to deny the friendship they shared. It was as natural as breathing, an undeniable connection whether he wanted it to be there or not. Daniel needed him and it was his place to offer comfort.

Blue eyes studied Jack, questioned and assessed and finally decided. Daniel moved closer, turning until they were face to face and slipped his arms around Jack's neck. He laid his head on Jack's shoulder and sighed. Instinctively Jack embraced him, pulling him close, molding their bodies together.

It broke his heart to touch Daniel like that; so close, yet so impossibly far away, in his arms, yet untouchable. Jack's armor vanished and his soul was laid bare again. He would always be utterly defenseless against this man and knew it.

Jack closed his eyes, fighting to keep from tearing up. He couldn't even breathe without pain and struggled to stuff his feelings back into the dark place in his soul where he kept them. It was difficult but he managed and the agony began to ease.

Then it happened. Daniel's lips caressed his shoulder, just grazing him as if he was settling his face in a new position. He lifted his head slightly and kissed the crest of Jack's trapezius, turning his face to bury it against Jack's throat.

"I'm sorry," whispered Daniel, his warm breath sending shivers down Jack's chest and arms.

"For what?" Jack needed some sort of distraction, or he was going to embarrass himself.

"For hurting you. I know that- possession of me was hard for you to watch, especially with the little boy."

"It wasn't you," Jack reminded him gently, tightening his embrace. "Just some hitchhikers we picked up."

He could feel Daniel smile against his throat and then those lips were stroking the skin there, Daniel's teeth grazing, nibbling, his lips and tongue tasting his way up Jack's neck to his jaw. Jack felt his knees getting weak and he completely lost control of his dick. It reared up inside his sweatpants, tapping against Daniel's thigh insistently.

"Uh- Daniel-" Jack murmured, his eyes closing and his mind sliding quickly southbound. Breath caught in his throat as Daniel's hand smoothed up into his hair, cradling the back of Jack's head, turning him and pulling him down as the archaeologist's lips sought his own.

Jack moaned as Daniel kissed him, **really** kissed him, tongue and all. Resistance vanished and heat seared Jack inside out. He held on tightly, crushing Daniel to him, writhing against him, moaning and grunting as he struggled for some kind of control but there was none to be had. Jack was helpless.

Hell, he was **terrified.**

Daniel breathed his name between kisses, his hands stroking everything he could reach. One slid into Jack's pants and caught at his cock, making Jack jerk his head back and gust out a hoarse cry of need. He stepped back, needing to see Daniel's face, to look in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" Jack rasped. "You want me?"

The younger man just nodded, blue eyes shining with heat and desire.

Jack grasped the towel around Daniel's waist and jerked it away, looking down at his prize.

Daniel was hard, his cock so broad and heavy it curved downward instead of up.

"Jesus," Jack whispered. He reached for it, touching that thick, hard shaft with trembling hands. He had never risked even a single sexual fantasy about Daniel. He didn't have a clue what to expect, how it would feel or even whether he would like it but he was damned sure going to find out. He raised his eyes to Daniel's and saw uncertainty there. "You're sure you want to do this?"

"Yes, Jack." Daniel cupped Jack's cock with one hand, his face with the other. "Like I said, I remember enough. Just little flashes, here and there. Showering with you and how I loved having your hands in my hair. Sleeping with you, all tangled up together. Kissing you- I just had to wait until I was ready for this. Thank you for being patient and thank you for loving me."

Jack was stunned. Everything that had been so right and perfect an instant earlier was now broken, twisted into some hellish nightmare. "Daniel, did you think- we were-"

"Lovers? Aren't we?" His face fell. Doubt crept in. "Weren't we?"

Heart slamming in his chest, Jack debated over telling him the truth. Daniel wouldn't be privy to the question Jack had asked him during that cursed time loop incident, because Daniel wasn't caught directly in the field like he and Teal'c had been. Daniel wouldn't remember refusing Jack's one tentative advance. The things Daniel mentioned were moments that could be construed as evidence of an affair in a memory filled with holes, but the truth of the matter was simple. Jack could take advantage and hope Daniel never regained enough memory to know the truth but if he did-

"No," Jack confessed. "We weren't. I wanted to be but you didn't." Stepping back, his enthusiasm wilted and all the bright sensation in his soul died with it. He backed up a step further and sat down on the bed. Leaning on his knees, he put his head in his hands. "Remember that time loop thing? I asked you then, knowing you wouldn't remember. You turned me down and I-" He hesitated. Daniel didn't need to know all the details. "-accepted that. I never touched you, except as a friend. I knew it would never go any farther than that between us."

Silence stretched between them, like a chasm increasing in depth and distance with each passing second.

Daniel sat down on the bed beside him. "I was so sure-"

Jack just stared at the floor.

"You do want to be with me, don't you?" Daniel's voice was soft, grieving, lost.

Jack deliberated. This time there was no time loop that would wipe Daniel's memory clean. There was only the truth and Jack knew it was necessary between friends as close as he and Daniel were to each other. "I haven't felt anything for a very long time," he admitted softly. "Part of me died with you and even when you came back, I still didn't. Until-"

"Until I picked up those hitchhikers," Daniel finished for him. "I know what you mean. I've been the same way, sort of empty inside, disconnected from everyone around me. Until I saw you cut loose on that tape and threaten Martice. That was when I knew."

Jack didn't ask what sort of light bulb had switched on over the archaeologist's head.

"I noticed yours was always the first name I called when I saw trouble coming," Daniel added, "and yours was the first name I spoke when I woke up. You were there, watching over me, even when you couldn't get to me during the possession. You were there beside my bed in the infirmary once I got back to the base. You never left me, Jack, because you care about me. Even if you don't want to."

"I don't," Jack agreed. "It's a liability for the team."

Daniel shook his head. "You'd sacrifice me if you had to. You've done it before and I'm okay with that."

Jack lifted his head and eyed the other man. "I'm not. I don't want to lose you again, Daniel, and I can't afford to have an Achilles' heel. That's what you are to me. My weak spot."

"Backatcha."

"It's better when I don't feel anything," Jack murmured. "It's safer for the team."

With a gleam in his eye, Daniel cocked his head. "I've never known you to be afraid of anything, Jack. Except yourself."

Colonel O'Neill said nothing, turning his gaze back to the safety of the floor.

"Yeah, it's safer not to feel," Daniel added softly. "I tried to hold onto that, too. Kept people from touching me because I knew I needed it so much. I needed to connect, to be whole again and just a moment ago, standing there with your arms around me- Jack, that's what I was missing - something I never really had. All those holes I sensed inside me- they weren't so much missing memories as places I pushed you away. I need you. You complete me."

"Remembering **Jerry Maguire**?" Jack quipped, his voice rough with grief. He reached up to rub his face, but Daniel pulled one hand away. Jack looked at him.

"I need you, Jack," he whispered. "I have for a long time and it scared me. Scared me enough to- But I couldn't leave you. Not really. Not even when you pushed me away. You're why I'm here now. I'm sure of that and I'm not afraid anymore."

Daniel leaned in to kiss him. Jack let him, but didn't let it escalate this time. He held onto his heart, keeping it out of reach. This couldn't go anywhere, not now.

Only Daniel was a stubborn man. He got up off the bed, pushed Jack's knees apart and knelt between them, resuming eye contact when Jack looked at the floor again. "You're thinking of all the reasons why we should back off, maintain the status quo. There's the military regs, for one thing. Sam and Teal'c, for another. Your reputation -- all sorts of reasons why we shouldn't be involved. I'll give you the one reason, the only reason that matters why we should."

Jack stared at him, already knowing what he was going to say.

"It's the one reason any of us are here in the first place," Daniel whispered, reaching up to touch Jack's cheek with his palm. "It's the only good reason for doing anything. It's what drives us�0ƒ3"

"Daniel." The whispered name was a plea for silence, for mercy and it was instantly obeyed. "I can't do this. I can't let myself be vulnerable like that. Not again. Not ever again." He touched Daniel's face with his fingertips briefly, his fingers curling into a fist as he pulled his hand away.

Those blue eyes stared up at him, liquid and aching. "You already are, Jack. You're wide open, right now. So am I. I'm waiting and I need you." He sat very still and the instant when Jack's last hold on resistance gave, Daniel moved. He surged upward between Jack's legs, taking tender possession of Jack's mouth, guiding him gently backward on the bed, kissing him senseless.

Jack lay bonelessly as Daniel's mouth moved down his throat, across his chest, stopping long enough to search out a hardened nipple in the forest of hair and nibble it a little, suckle it until Jack moaned and grabbed Daniel's hair. Lower and lower he went, devastating in his gentleness, so powerful Jack couldn't move, not even to open his eyes. Just breathing took all the attention he could spare. He hardly noticed when Daniel took off his pants.

Liquid heat closed over Jack's reviving erection, jolting him half upright with a hoarse cry of need. He looked down, saw Daniel's mouth taking him in, Daniel's hands cupping his balls and caressing his shaft and he cried out, raw pain and devastating acceptance pouring out of his throat in a ragged, ripped sound. Daniel looked up, alarmed, his lips red and wet and trembling.

"Jack?"

Scrabbling at Daniel's back with his hands, Jack hooked fingers underneath those sturdy arms and pulled. Daniel came to his feet and Jack wrestled him onto the bed, shaking with a need so wild it was tearing him apart. He wrapped himself around his lover, hanging on so hard Daniel could hardly breathe. The younger man embraced him, panting, hands stroking and soothing, whispered words caressing Jack's ear, his neck, his cheek.

"I'm with you, Jack. It's all right. We're together and that's all that matters. I'm touching you. I'm not afraid anymore. I won't leave you. I promise. I **promise." **

"Oh, God..."

Daniel silenced him with a kiss, pressing him back into the mattress. One of Daniel's hands snaked between them as Daniel shifted his weight until he could reach Jack's erection freely. Fingers closed around his swollen flesh, fingers roughened by a lifetime of hard work. These were strong fingers; a man's sinewy hand where only women's softness had ever touched him before and the difference was startlingly erotic. Daniel's thumb stroked firmly just beneath the head of Jack's penis, caressing that wonderfully sensitive spot in such a way that Jack's eyes squeezed closed as he struggled to hold back. Daniel milked him, squeezing and pulling, smoothing back, stroking all the way down to his balls and swirling back up again.

**Educated fingers, ** Jack told himself, pushing aside the torrent of sensation for that one clear thought. He opened his eyes as Daniel pulled away to look down at him, gasping for breath. "Good," he panted.

Daniel nodded and then he disappeared, slithering down Jack's body to take him into his mouth once again. Jack reached down to hold that beautiful face in his hands, feeling Daniel's cheeks sink in as he sucked, his tongue sweeping in lazy circles all over his lover's shaft. He had to see, had to watch and lifting his head, his abdominal muscles quivered with effort.

This time Daniel looked up at him without letting go, those azure eyes blazing with desire while that sweet, hot mouth slid up and down Jack's cock. The sight was more than Jack could bear, pushing him headlong over the edge. He roared, grasping handfuls of Daniel's hair as he came.

He trembled, lights flickering at the edges of his vision, puffy clouds fogging his brain. He was tingling, unable to form a coherent thought. Until he raised his hands and saw several short brown hairs sticking out from between his fingers.

Jack looked down at Daniel, kneeling on the floor again, both hands holding onto his head as he winced. Retreating temporarily into the bathroom to dispose of the semen, he returned with a sheepish smile.

"Sorry," Jack panted. He extended his hands toward the man. "Here. You can have these back now. I'm done with 'em."

Daniel looked at his hair in Jack's hands and laughed. "You keep 'em," he chuckled. "They can be your souvenirs."

Opening his hands, Jack tried to shake the loose hairs from his sweaty grip but they stuck to his skin. He wiped his palms on the bed and picked at the few that remained, trying to compose himself before he looked at the man who had just become his lover. Daniel was still kneeling on the floor, combing his fingers through his hair, doing a damage check.

Jack scooted backward on the bed. He patted the mattress beside him and Daniel came around the bed, reclining on the free pillow. Jack looked at Daniel's crotch and sucked in a breath. "That's a mighty impressive piece of equipment you got there. Never seen one with a reverse curve before."

Daniel glanced down at himself. "I suppose it's a little unusual but it's perfectly natural to me. Are you okay with it?"

Reaching out to touch the engorged flesh, Jack let his imagination run free. "Well, yeah, I s'pose. It's- um- kinda big. I'm not sure I can- You know-" He glanced up to those eyes, sparkling with mischief. Daniel was going to make him say the words. "I'm not sure I can take it all. Up the ass, anyway."

"I'm not sure I'm ready to go there just yet," Daniel murmured. "I've never- done it that way, even with a woman and I'm still a little weirded out by this whole sexual element to our relationship. I mean I'm okay with touching you, holding you, kissing you but I never dreamed about fucking you. I'm not sure I can. Or having you fuck me, for that matter."

"I just did," Jack reminded him. "Or rather, you just gave me a blow job that utterly destroyed what there was of my mind for a good ten minutes."

"My mouth is less intimate than my ass," Daniel clarified gently, lifting his hand to let his fingers trail across Jack's forearm, "and I've never thought of my ass as a sexual orifice. I've got to try to wrap my mind around that concept before I can think about letting you go there."

Jack watched that hand stroking him, remembering what Daniel had done in his lap. "Frankly, I never have, either. Until you." He raised his eyes to meet the other man's. "All I wanted was to hold you and kiss you sometimes... because I care about you, Daniel. I have for a long, long time."

"Kiss me, Jack," Daniel invited, reaching for him.

With a shake of his head, Jack said, "Not yet. I want to look at you first. I've never really had a chance to just **look." **

Jack sat on one hip, bracing himself with his left hand on the bed, Daniel's hand on his arm. He knew the other man was watching his face but Jack wanted to concentrate, to absorb this moment fully into his mind, a memory he could keep forever. He examined those eyes, so wide and startlingly blue, with huge pupils that made Daniel look constantly aroused. His face was beautiful, clean lines, smooth skin, even features. There was a little bump just above his right eyebrow, a tiny flaw that made him even more endearing. Those eyebrows were so expressive and along with that sensitive mouth, one of Daniel's most animated features.

A dimple flared in his right cheek as his mouth slid into a sensuous smile. "What?" he asked playfully. "See something you like?"

"Shhh. I'm looking at you." Jack let his gaze travel downward to that smooth, hairless, broad chest. Thick muscles flexed as he watched and he grinned. "Stop that." Daniel didn't. Everywhere Jack's eyes traveled, muscles tensed and relaxed. Daniel was posing for him, showing off. It turned Jack on, sending fingers of heat down into his belly.

Daniel's abdomen rose up in a slightly convex hump, even lying flat on his back. Jack had seen him working out and knew there wasn't any fat there at all to make the man soft. It was all muscle, neat ridges in dense contours. He was heavier than Jack had ever really noticed before, brawny and strong, not the slight little guy he remembered whenever a mental image of Daniel came to mind but then, he'd felt those muscles in action on more than one occasion. Daniel unleashed was a scary thing.

He brushed those thoughts aside and drew his attention back to Daniel's legs. Covered with fine golden hair, his thighs were very thick at the hip, long and heavy with muscle. He was built for power and very rarely ever used it. Jack knew from experience, he could when he wanted.

"Roll over," he murmured and Daniel obeyed. Jack smiled, enjoying the power, delighted that his lover wanted so much to please him. He let his eyes stray over those broad shoulders, lingered on the small of Daniel's back and the daunting upward curve of his buttocks. Jack lifted his right hand and let it settle on Daniel's left cheek, aware that the man was still watching him.

Jack leaned down and kissed that sweet little spot in the deep curve of Daniel's back and heard the man inhale sharply. Daniel liked that, Jack guessed, was surprised by how good it felt. Jack closed his eyes, brushing his lips back and forth over that curve, tasting it with his tongue. He slid his hand away, skiing down the slope of Daniel's ass to the back of his thigh, then stroking upward again and climbing the hill to the top.

"Oh, Jack-" Daniel sighed his name on a long, sensual breath.

This was good. This was what he wanted. Jack was in no hurry. He took his time, touching every part he had memorized by sight, learning them now by touch, working backward from ass to nape. He paused to nibble at the back of Daniel's neck and was rewarded by a shuddering gasp and Daniel's hands clutching spasmodically at the blankets.

He nipped Daniel's earlobe and the archaeologist came unglued. Daniel flipped over onto his back, panting like he'd just run a marathon. His hands grabbed at Jack, trying to pull him into a kiss.

"Patience, Daniel," Jack murmured against his lips. "Just enjoy this. I've waited a long time to touch you and I want to touch **all** of you."

Daniel groaned but his hands fell away, bouncing on the mattress in defeat.

Jack returned to Daniel's neck, feathering little kisses down his throat, tasting the hollow at the base, nibbling at his collarbones. Slowly, Jack moved across Daniel's chest, his lips and tongue skirting high across the pectorals to the hard swell of shoulder and then down to a bicep that flexed and relaxed beneath his mouth. There was such strength there, always held in check and Jack grazed his teeth over the knot of muscle, rewarded by a soft gasp of pleasure.

He heard whispering and risked a glance at his lover's face. Daniel's eyes were closed, chanting something rhythmic and lovely in a foreign language. Concentrating, Jack guessed. Daniel was trying to be patient and let it happen Jack's way, according to his timetable.

O'Neill grinned. He eyed the closest nipple and swiped at it with his tongue. Daniel bucked on the bed, eyes flying open, a hoarse shout ripped from his throat. He flopped back against the bed and sighed.

"I get it now. You're a sadist. You just want to torture me."

Jack chuckled softly, aware that his breath would be coming out in little gusts against Daniel's wet nipple. He watched it harden, then bent further and engulfed it with his mouth. He suckled, nibbled and licked it until he'd had his fill, loving the agonized concert of sound Daniel provided as background music.

After appropriate equal time on Daniel's other nipple, Jack moved to the lovely little indentation over his sternum and then dallied over each of the little ridges in his abdomen. Trailing his tongue down to the sensitive creases between belly and thigh, Jack made Daniel jump and quiver and beg for relief but Jack refused to comply. There were things to do yet and he was determined to follow them in order.

All the way down those long legs he went, descending on the left, ascending on the right, until there was only one place on Daniel's whole body remaining in need of his touch. Jack moved to the base and buried his nose in that sparse thatch of brown hair. He inhaled, memorizing Daniel's scent, enjoying the fingers now stroking in his hair.

Daniel sat up and Jack stuffed the pillows under his back, allowing him to recline slightly and still watch. Glancing up to see that he was indeed watching, Jack reached down and pushed Daniel's legs apart with his hands and lay between them. He contemplated that alien object before him, that man's cock, which was such intriguing foreign territory. He touched it, stroking from head to base with his fingertips, feeling the satin flesh glide beneath his hand. He wrapped his fingers around it, once more daunted by its sheer size.

He looked up at Daniel, who was enraptured and studying him right back. Jack leaned closer, watching that face as his lips made contact with Daniel's dick. Daniel's whole body reacted, eyes closing, legs bending on either side of Jack's head, hands grabbing at covers, torso twisting with need.

"God, Jack, suck me!" he growled huskily. "I can't stand this. You're driving me crazy."

This time, Jack obeyed. He kept watch on Daniel's face as he swallowed as much cock as he could handle. He gagged a little when it hit the back of his throat but he didn't mind and simply adjusted, sliding back until he could reach the head with his tongue. He swirled it around the head, probing into the little slit at the end, tasting Daniel's pre-come. Eagerly he bolted down the shaft again, starting up a rhythm that was slow and gentle while his hands gripped the base and gathered Daniel's scrotum for a leisurely massage.

He smiled around that wonderful mouthful of cock as Daniel moaned and vibrated all around him. This was good, better than he had imagined such things could ever be between men. He was drawing this reaction from Daniel, giving him more pleasure than he could bear. The sound of his name on those sensitive lips set Jack on fire. For the first time, he gave free reign to his imagination, picturing this column of flesh entering his body, filling him where no man had dared touch. Jack wanted that, ached for it. He needed that intimacy, needed to do that with Daniel as well, to fill his lover with himself and his seed. This was a different kind of love than what he'd always believed was right but perceptions had changed with Daniel Jackson. This was sacred, what they shared between them, and making love to each other was just another way to express what they felt without words.

Jack O'Neill wasn't good with words.

This, he could do.

He withdrew for just a moment, looking up into Daniel's eyes. "Fuck my mouth, Danny," he whispered hoarsely. Then he engulfed Daniel once again.

"Huh?" Daniel didn't get it but his eyes were wild with need.

Jack reached around Daniel's hips, tugging lightly on them to show Daniel what he wanted. Daniel flexed his buttocks and his cock surged forward slightly, deeper into Jack's mouth and he nodded slightly, eyes on Daniel's face. The archaeologist's work-roughened hands carded through Jack's hair, embracing his face as Daniel's hips began to move, thrusting and relaxing, pushing deeper and harder as he gasped and moaned, never breaking eye contact with his lover.

Relaxing his throat, Jack learned to take it all, the whole length of Daniel's cock, sliding all the way to the base and back until the helmeted ridge touched the back of his teeth.

"Jack," Daniel whispered, fingers stroking gently, so gently over his face. "I need you, Jack. My Jack. I'm-"

With heart full to bursting, Jack watched Daniel's eyes close, his head tip back, his face relax into bliss and then his cock was pulsing, throbbing against Jack's lips and tongue, spasms of ecstasy convulsing down the length of it into Jack's throat.

"-coming-"

Daniel lay still, cradling Jack's face in his hands.

Slowly, unwilling to relinquish his hold, Jack slid back just enough to breathe, teasing with his tongue and drawing little groans of pleasure from his lover, timing them to coincide with the wonderful orgasmic aftershocks that still pulsed through Daniel's length. He sucked greedily, drawing out every drop of semen, tasting it and loving the flavor. Reluctantly he let go and rose on hands and knees, crawling up Daniel's body like a prowling tiger to settle himself on top of the other man, who raised his sated face and looked Jack in the eye.

"That was, without a doubt, the single best blowjob I've **ever** had," he panted.

Jack smiled. "Yeah? That was my first one. Wait till I get good at it- and I'm thinkin' this backdoor boogie might be good, too. Lemme know when you're ready to try it."

Daniel groaned, smiling and wrapped arms and legs around his lover. "Give me an hour." He gazed down at Jack from beneath his lashes. "I'm not gonna survive this, am I? You're gonna kill me with sex."

"Nope. Cause then I'd have to kill myself as well." Jack felt his smile vanish as he remembered blowing his brains out in the armory.

Daniel saw it in his eyes. "Jack? What was that?" Jack got off him quickly, stretching out on his back and closing his eyes. "What was what?" He needed to cover his error but knew it was already too late. He wouldn't lie to Daniel and Daniel wasn't going to let this go either. He might as well get it done.

"What was that look about?"

"That damned time loop," he sighed.

"What happened?"

"I asked you for this. You said no. Made it perfectly clear you were creeped out by the whole idea. I couldn't-" He couldn't lie still. He got up from the bed, picked up his pants from where Daniel had tossed them and put them back on. He felt too vulnerable naked. "I couldn't stand how much it hurt, so I blew my brains out. Next time loop, I was back at breakfast starin' at a spoonful of Froot Loops -- which I will never eat again."

He paced for several minutes before he could risk a look at Daniel's face, already knowing what he would see. Daniel's grief had shattered him so much that he hadn't moved a muscle. Only the younger man's face revealed how devastated he was, eyes wide with shock, tears streaming silently down his cheek and his chest. Jack looked into those eyes and felt the full force of all that emotion shoot through him like a staff blast. He stumbled back a step, recovered, and strode over to the bed. Straddling Daniel's lap, he ignored his knees' protest and took that beloved face in his hands.

"I won't live without you, Daniel," he swore fervently. "I can't. I've tried it and I won't do it again. So you damn well better take good care of yourself out there. You understand me?"

Daniel's arms wrapped around his lover. He buried his face in Jack's chest. "That goes both ways, O'Neill," he sniffed and carried the other man to the bed. "I'm not doing this without you, old man, so **you** better be careful, too. Deal?"

Jack just nodded. He ran his hands through that silky hair, his gut reminding him of the handfuls he'd jerked out earlier. "You are the most annoying, infuriating, stubborn, confusing, irritating person I've ever met and I'm nuts about you. How the hell are we supposed to make **that**work?"

"I have no idea," the archaeologist answered with a grin, "but I think exactly the same thing of you, and you know what else?"

"Tell me."

"You're damn sexy."

"No, I'm Jack. Damn Sexy is just a nickname. An honorarium, if you will."

"DS for short, then."

"You need a nickname, too," Jack observed, a comforting glow settling somewhere around his heart. "I mean, if we're going to be lovers, I can't call you �'baby' in bed because I might let it slip in the field. What should it be?"

Daniel's eyebrows lifted. "Well, there's always Spacemonkey, whatever the hell that means. I've never been too fond of monkeys, but�..."

"Spacemonkey it is, then," Jack teased. He rocked their bodies together on the bed, in imitation of lovemaking, and added breathlessly, "Oh, yeah, give it to me! Fuck me stupid, Spacemonkey!"

Daniel sat up, chuckling. "No, that doesn't quite work for me."

"We'll find something," Jack promised.

"Good things come to those who wait," observed the scientist sagely.

That old adage scrolled through Jack's mind and he sobered. "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," he returned softly, "and I think I've finally come home. I'm right where I'm s'posed to be, Daniel. Right here with you."

He brought the other man down into a deep kiss and contemplated briefly how a little slip of paper can be a turning point, a pearl of wisdom, when one's mind is open to whatever the future holds. He didn't think about it long, because Daniel was in his arms, because Daniel was naked and because he wasn't finished touching him yet. Jack didn't think he'd be finished for a long time.

Something like the rest of his life.

FINIS


End file.
